These days

I hardly sleep. My insomnia is killing me. There so much on the inside I want to spill out. I'll just share a few things.

I haven't had contact with my girl very much these past few days. I'm a clingy person. I put my all in her, and when I can't have conversation with her, I get majorly upset. Not angry, more of a depressed feeling. Which shouldn't happen. I feel bad for being a pest, and texting her alot. But I never get tired of letting her know how much I love her. I just want to tell her good morning and good night. Everything in between has been gone for a few days. I'm confused right now to wonder if she even cares, or she's just busy. Last night I stayed up until 5 AM wanting her to wake up in the middle of the night and call me for comfort or wondering what she's thinking about. Or even just imagining how beautiful she looks at that very moment. And then I break down and cry because I'm selfish and don't get my way. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be... but I am. I feel so lonely and sick to my stomach. Before she left, I kept myself up for 4 nights worrying to death that something would happen in Dunlap that would make us grow further apart. If I could fix it. This morning my Step Mom came in and told me that we could go that way sometime this week. I told her I didn't want to. I was afraid to bother her. I understand that she's spending time with her family, I have absolutely no problem with that. I just want her to check in every once in a while and tell me about her day or ask me about mine.

Friends.

Everyone blogs about how they found out who their true friends were. Well this blog is a bit different. I have recently realized that I haven't been the true friend. I feel so urged to talk to my long time friends and apologize for leaving them out to dry. Something Tara said the other day made me realize, no matter how much I don't want to accept it, I need friends. All of them. How I will talk to them, I don't know. I just need to do it before it's too late.

Things that I've realized.

That I waited 17 years to find the right girl and it took me like a week to realize that she was right there. I realized I have been lazy and looked in the placed where its most possible for me to get let down over and over again. It feels good to finally be cared about and have mutual feelings with another person.

Another thing I've realized is that all these years, I could've lived with my dad and been extremely happy instead of living in a place where I was forced to be someone I'm not and treated like udder shit.

I'll continue doing this blog

but I am going to add some of my personal thoughts in as well as my critiquing. Thanks.